


The Spaces He Used To Fill

by Dancingqueen17



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Heavy Angst, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-03
Updated: 2019-06-03
Packaged: 2020-04-07 07:10:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19080040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dancingqueen17/pseuds/Dancingqueen17
Summary: He didn’t care that he got left behind. He didn’t care that his big brother had abandoned him. He didn’t care. He wished he didn’t care.





	The Spaces He Used To Fill

He couldn't believe he had left. Sirius had packed up his things and left. Now Regulus could admit that was one of their worse arguments, Sirius never had gotten along with their parents, but Sirius promised to protect him. Regulus stared at the door for a long time. He couldn't look away. His protector had left him. His brother had left him. But most importantly his friend had left him. The relationship between the Black brothers was shaky, but they always had each others backs. Sirius always took the blame for Regulus’s mistakes and Regulus always cared for him after beatings. Regulus loved Sirius. Regulus knew he was coming back. He had to be. So he waited. He waited for awhile. It was the loud chiming from the grandfather clock in their living room that told him it was midnight. Sirius left 7 hours ago. Regulus knew he wasn’t coming back.

Regulus didn’t know how to feel. He of course was sad with Sirius’s absence, but he was also angry. Angry he had to take on the responsibilities of the eldest child. Angry he was now all alone in that big house. Angry his parents were on edge, resulting in him getting more beatings. Angry his big brother had left him. 

“Regulus come clean up this pigsty you call a room” Walburga yelled, pulling Regulus from his thoughts.

Regulus rushed to his room as fast as he could with his bruised leg. He had dropped a cup this morning, he couldn’t afford anymore screwups. 

“Yes mother.” Regulus said as respectfully as he could muster.

Regulus felt a sharp sting on his cheek as his mother slapped him. “I shouldn’t have to tell you to clean this room up. It’s common sense that it should always be clean. Or do you not have any sense like that abomination of a brother of yours? I expect I won’t need to talk to you about this again.” Walburga said harshly before storming out of the room. Somehow his mistakes always got rooted back to Sirius.

“Yes mother.” Regulus said to her retreating figure. He had to do better. He was going down the same path as his horrid brother. He couldn’t let that happen. Because he was the Black heir now. He had to be perfect. He had no room for mistakes. He couldn’t turn out like Sirius. He just couldn’t. Regulus felt his breathing get faster. The floor felt like it was moving under him. He felt the weight of his burdens crashing down on him. Sirius usually helped him with his panic attacks. But Sirius was gone. Sirius had left him. 

He felt his lungs close. He stumbled to the bathroom and looked for anything that could help him. He raided the cabinets and found nothing. After opening the drawers he found nothing. He looked everywhere and found nothing. He ran to the bathroom across the hall and did the same. Regulus looked around and realized he was in Sirius’s bathroom. Everything was still exactly where Sirius had left it. As if he was still there. Regulus went through Sirius’s drawers slowly, inspecting everything to see if he could find a little piece of Sirius to keep with him. Regulus was searching for a hair tie or cologne but stumbled upon the pack of blades Sirius had bought for his fancy razor. They were unopened. 

Regulus had heard of people cutting themselves with blades in second year. Some girl in him class had done it and had to be hospitalized. Regulus always wondered how anyone could ever want to hurt themselves. Now he knew. He felt so weak, he couldn't even breathe without his dear brother around, how was supposed to live like this? 

He ripped the package open and twirled one of the blades in his hand. He felt his throat close up. Regulus knew what he was doing was wrong. He also knew he couldn’t get caught. Regulus pulled up his shirt and pressed the blade to his stomach. He had to do better. He couldn’t end up like Sirius. He was a disappointment. He was a traitor. Regulus had to do better. He had to be perfect. Regulus stared at the six red lines on his stomach. His throat had opened up and he could breathe normally. In some sick twisted way this had helped. Regulus quickly cleaned his stomach and hid the blades in his own bathroom drawer. Something told him he would need them again. He ran back to his own room, he knew mother would be checking on his progress soon.

Regulus quickly swept his otherwise clean room. But it wasn’t good enough for mother, he knew that. Regulus washed the windows and dusted the shelves. He shined the floor and fluffed the pillows. His room looked perfect. It had to be perfect.

Regulus laid on his bed, carefully so he didn’t mess up the covers. School was starting in a few weeks and he knew no matter how hard he tried he would see Sirius. Regulus thought about what Sirius was doing. Probably laughing and drinking pumpkin juice with those blood traitors the Potters, not thinking about him at all. He wondered if Sirius had forgotten him. Tears pricked his eyes. Regulus pushed them back down quickly and gasped. He couldn’t cry. Blacks didn’t cry. Sirius didn’t care about him. So why should he care about Sirius? Regulus grabbed his wand from the case it was held in and marched to Sirius’s old room.

“Reducto!” Regulus yelled aiming at Sirius’s bed. Regulus found joy in watching his older brothers things break into pieces. After destroying half the room Regulus heard footsteps approaching. 

“What do you think you’re doing” Orion asked. 

Regulus smirked. “The sight of that blood traitors things were making me sick.” He knew it was a lie, but it made father smile. 

“That’s my boy. Do clean up when you’re done though, your mother hates messes.” And with that Orion walked away. Regulus felt sick. He had just lied to his father. But that’s what Blacks do.

“Evaneso” Regulus muttered, vanishing all the furniture in the room. He wished he could do the same to Sirius.


End file.
